Ever felt like your life was ending soon?
Yes, of course I had. twice.
Only the second one occured recently..
Wednesday rashes started showing up on both my hands
Areas on the inner part of the hands starting from the end of the first thumb knuckle right up to my wrist.
It started spreading and dispersing around.
A big patch of blood suddenly appeared under my skin of my feet, in other words, internal bleeding.
Headache started kicking in on thursday, I decided to head for the doctor on Friday morning, even if it means skipping college.
As the seconds go by, I started thinking that this could be something serious.
I could be down with some blood disorder.
I could be dying soon. haha.
The thoughts we have when something doesn't go right with our bodies, it drives us nuts somehow.
Friday my headache got worse.
Somehow I knew it wouldn't be something serious, but I was rather afraid.
Waiting at the hospital almost half a day, having to go through various scans.
From bloodtest to x-ray, from x-ray to ultrasound, from ultrasound scanning to urine tests.
From having to skip one day of college, my thoughts suddenly picked out the first line of westlife's moments song. = ="
Stupid? yeah.
Very.
Turns out that I have Vasculitis.
No, it's not that I'm weak or what.
My blood and organ status are perfectly fine.
The cause of this Vasculitis?
Could be a sudden action by my antibodies to attack my own body, or some after effect of a viral infection.
Doc couldn't figure out.
You could say I'm fine now.
What a relief. But potong at the same time.
oh well.
I shouldn't be here.
Bye!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Ideas are more complete in the mind that when written in words.
Words we speak, actions we take, people just don't seem to understand sometimes.
When we say something, we have to take into consideration of our stand.
Where were we before we said this?
What're others' impression of us right before we say what we had to say?
If we don't take into consideration what they think right before we speak, we give off a totally different message.
A message that is later on either misunderstood for something else, something false, or something for real if it isn't actually for real.
If it doesn't affect others' impression of us, or we're not misunderstood, we catch the others off guard in a whole load of troubles they already have on their mind.
Did we think before we say something? Are they able to hear what we say?
Are they capable?
Picture a man who has suicide on his mind already. He is at the brink of making a firm stand whether to commit suicide or not in a few minutes.
Then comes along his friend who says to him, "Hey, I've told you so many times to clear the trash, when're you going to clean it? I hate procrastinators and dirty people like you."
Having that said, the man loses his marbles and minutes later the man jumps off a building.
We should just be watchful when we say things, not say what we feel and want to say.
To be more considerate is what we should be.
When we watch others in what they do, to catch their flaws and find their wrongs, did we do that to ourselves first?
Before we talk about others, did we take a look in the mirror to see if what we're trying to prove wrong in other people can actually be found on us?
Thieves don't catch thieves. Both have their hands equally covered in dirt, so neither one can catch the other and say that they're wrong.
If a person is accused of a crime which he did not do or did not intend to do, and we are the victims of the act, do we point our accusation finger and bombard him to our hearts content?
In the first place, do we even know the real situation? or we just want to point an accusing finger at him and make the supposedly innocent look guilty?
Have we even heard the other side of the story?
Both sides have different stories, but neither side is entirely true.
The rights to speak comes when one isn't speaking according to ones own emotions.
Because emotions don't speak of the entire truth.
When emotions overwhelm, we think too much.
This thoughts of ours can even make the false look true.
Extreme strong emotions can even cause the mind to be unable to differentiate between what was actually just a thought and what is actually true.
And with the influence of the media, we find the 'solution' and something to clear our minds.
People say they try, but there's no difference.
Perseverance will help us change, but just a little effort won't make much of a change for us, especially in the eyes of others.
We give up, and we say we can't when the fact is that we have not given it our best shot.
We say what we think the way things are, we say what we want as reality when it actually isn't.
We say so many things according to our hearts and emotions just so that we don't see the real situation.
We build walls of stories and fairy tales around us, so that we don't have to come back to reality.
We're just too afraid to face reality.
Saying all these, it's not from what I think should be or could be, but what was, is, and always will be.
I say things not of just simple thoughts, but of what I've observed and experienced for the past 18 years of my life.
Compared to both experiences and observations, simple thoughts are no where close to what these two can teach.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Some words are not meant to be said.
Some truths are not meant to be told, just so that friendship won't be lost through something that might not worth anything later on.
Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes it even destroys.
That's why I keep it all away, because I don't want to lose what I need so badly for something that I don't really need.
I keep it all away, so that everything seems fine and normal.
I keep it all away for everyone's sake.
When we say something, we have to take into consideration of our stand.
Where were we before we said this?
What're others' impression of us right before we say what we had to say?
If we don't take into consideration what they think right before we speak, we give off a totally different message.
A message that is later on either misunderstood for something else, something false, or something for real if it isn't actually for real.
If it doesn't affect others' impression of us, or we're not misunderstood, we catch the others off guard in a whole load of troubles they already have on their mind.
Did we think before we say something? Are they able to hear what we say?
Are they capable?
Picture a man who has suicide on his mind already. He is at the brink of making a firm stand whether to commit suicide or not in a few minutes.
Then comes along his friend who says to him, "Hey, I've told you so many times to clear the trash, when're you going to clean it? I hate procrastinators and dirty people like you."
Having that said, the man loses his marbles and minutes later the man jumps off a building.
We should just be watchful when we say things, not say what we feel and want to say.
To be more considerate is what we should be.
When we watch others in what they do, to catch their flaws and find their wrongs, did we do that to ourselves first?
Before we talk about others, did we take a look in the mirror to see if what we're trying to prove wrong in other people can actually be found on us?
Thieves don't catch thieves. Both have their hands equally covered in dirt, so neither one can catch the other and say that they're wrong.
If a person is accused of a crime which he did not do or did not intend to do, and we are the victims of the act, do we point our accusation finger and bombard him to our hearts content?
In the first place, do we even know the real situation? or we just want to point an accusing finger at him and make the supposedly innocent look guilty?
Have we even heard the other side of the story?
Both sides have different stories, but neither side is entirely true.
The rights to speak comes when one isn't speaking according to ones own emotions.
Because emotions don't speak of the entire truth.
When emotions overwhelm, we think too much.
This thoughts of ours can even make the false look true.
Extreme strong emotions can even cause the mind to be unable to differentiate between what was actually just a thought and what is actually true.
And with the influence of the media, we find the 'solution' and something to clear our minds.
People say they try, but there's no difference.
Perseverance will help us change, but just a little effort won't make much of a change for us, especially in the eyes of others.
We give up, and we say we can't when the fact is that we have not given it our best shot.
We say what we think the way things are, we say what we want as reality when it actually isn't.
We say so many things according to our hearts and emotions just so that we don't see the real situation.
We build walls of stories and fairy tales around us, so that we don't have to come back to reality.
We're just too afraid to face reality.
Saying all these, it's not from what I think should be or could be, but what was, is, and always will be.
I say things not of just simple thoughts, but of what I've observed and experienced for the past 18 years of my life.
Compared to both experiences and observations, simple thoughts are no where close to what these two can teach.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Some words are not meant to be said.
Some truths are not meant to be told, just so that friendship won't be lost through something that might not worth anything later on.
Sometimes the truth hurts, sometimes it even destroys.
That's why I keep it all away, because I don't want to lose what I need so badly for something that I don't really need.
I keep it all away, so that everything seems fine and normal.
I keep it all away for everyone's sake.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
When you're in my shoes, the shoes of the neutral, you see what I see.
You see through the eyes that sees from both angles, angles that are very different.
I wish you could see what I see.
Wish you know that what you see is just from your point of view, have you been to the opposite side to see what they see?
Sometimes we tend to misinterpret people due to the fact that there is prejudice deep in our heads, we don't bother opening our mouths to ask what's going on.
When things happen, they happen for a reason, for 2 reasons, for many reasons. But do we know the reasons?
You may never know if you never ask.
And without asking, you have already made your own impression of them up in your head.
An impression that has an equal chance to be wrong as well as to be correct.
I wish people could see the situation.
To see the situation from both sides.
Because if only one person sees from both sides, the majority are the both sides.
It's not the opposition that wins, but the majority, that are the both sides against the one person.
If there were more people on neutral ground, I wouldn't be so lonely here in the middle.
Everyone has a side. They chose a side.
Sides so that they stand up for what they think is right.
But how can you see if it's right when all you see is one idea, and one principle?
If only there were more of me.
Then I wouldn't be this tired. This worn out.
Then I wouldn't be so incapable.
You see through the eyes that sees from both angles, angles that are very different.
I wish you could see what I see.
Wish you know that what you see is just from your point of view, have you been to the opposite side to see what they see?
Sometimes we tend to misinterpret people due to the fact that there is prejudice deep in our heads, we don't bother opening our mouths to ask what's going on.
When things happen, they happen for a reason, for 2 reasons, for many reasons. But do we know the reasons?
You may never know if you never ask.
And without asking, you have already made your own impression of them up in your head.
An impression that has an equal chance to be wrong as well as to be correct.
I wish people could see the situation.
To see the situation from both sides.
Because if only one person sees from both sides, the majority are the both sides.
It's not the opposition that wins, but the majority, that are the both sides against the one person.
If there were more people on neutral ground, I wouldn't be so lonely here in the middle.
Everyone has a side. They chose a side.
Sides so that they stand up for what they think is right.
But how can you see if it's right when all you see is one idea, and one principle?
If only there were more of me.
Then I wouldn't be this tired. This worn out.
Then I wouldn't be so incapable.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
My thoughts, my emotions, the things apart from logic thinking.
They start filling in my head now, occupying more space than before.
But are they necessary?
I don't think they are, but to have it all in my head is something I somehow feel obligated to do.
It's not that I want to, there's just this feeling that this is needed.
What I want to do are mostly affected by what I need to do.
They start filling in my head now, occupying more space than before.
But are they necessary?
I don't think they are, but to have it all in my head is something I somehow feel obligated to do.
It's not that I want to, there's just this feeling that this is needed.
What I want to do are mostly affected by what I need to do.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Just a deeper conversation
Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
Now I'm learning you
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you
And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too
If you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
Now I'm learning you
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
Now I'm learning you
And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too
If you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
And Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me
Monday, July 19, 2010
When you've forgotten where you're heading to, when all is forgotten,
all including what you've wanted.
This is where you seem lost. You feel lost.
You are lost.
The the paths keep winding and crossing so much.
Are all these illusions, here just for a moment?
Your eyes might be playing tricks with your mind and you might not in fact actually be lost, however your senses tell you otherwise.
Contradictory senses.
It all just gets worse by the second.
Think again. Are you lost, or just confused?
all including what you've wanted.
This is where you seem lost. You feel lost.
You are lost.
The the paths keep winding and crossing so much.
Are all these illusions, here just for a moment?
Your eyes might be playing tricks with your mind and you might not in fact actually be lost, however your senses tell you otherwise.
Contradictory senses.
It all just gets worse by the second.
Think again. Are you lost, or just confused?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Imagine if I could turn into what I used to be..
What I was supposed to be in everyone's mind at the start..
To reverse the process of what I've become...
back to the state where my mind wasn't this messed up, where I could make out my thoughts and decide.
Now everything I do seems like pointless efforts and purposeless sacrifices.
What am I doing?
What I was supposed to be in everyone's mind at the start..
To reverse the process of what I've become...
back to the state where my mind wasn't this messed up, where I could make out my thoughts and decide.
Now everything I do seems like pointless efforts and purposeless sacrifices.
What am I doing?
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Sometimes we're better off forgotten than to be pitied for.
I guess I've been saying it all,
saying more than what I was meant to say, too.
It's been a long day.
Any word to describe my day? no.
Because it requires so many words, such that I can't even tell simply how was my day.
One word is not enough.
At the end of the day, you finally tell yourself that you've had enough.
I've seen somethings, felt somethings.
Gone through again what I didn't want to go through again.
Somehow after today, it makes me look back and say "Failure. Disappointment. Wasted."
And hoping to have somebody there to help, to really pull you up, you turn to your side to find that nobody is even within your sight.
Nobody at all, not anymore.
And does it all make sense? Yes, it does make sense.
What does it all mean? it meas that I don't know what my thoughts are.
I've been straying too far, too long.
I've even lost the feeling of what it's like to belong.
And what I've just posted for the past 17 lines are all just rubbish and gibberish.
Time to turn off the switch and start repairing and charging up.
saying more than what I was meant to say, too.
It's been a long day.
Any word to describe my day? no.
Because it requires so many words, such that I can't even tell simply how was my day.
One word is not enough.
At the end of the day, you finally tell yourself that you've had enough.
I've seen somethings, felt somethings.
Gone through again what I didn't want to go through again.
Somehow after today, it makes me look back and say "Failure. Disappointment. Wasted."
And hoping to have somebody there to help, to really pull you up, you turn to your side to find that nobody is even within your sight.
Nobody at all, not anymore.
And does it all make sense? Yes, it does make sense.
What does it all mean? it meas that I don't know what my thoughts are.
I've been straying too far, too long.
I've even lost the feeling of what it's like to belong.
And what I've just posted for the past 17 lines are all just rubbish and gibberish.
Time to turn off the switch and start repairing and charging up.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Said it all,
Nothing to say at all.
Nothing to say that matters.
Doesn't matter any more.
When the tears fall away,
And there's no conversation,
There's nothing left to break
That's not already broken.
You're staring into space
And every inch of silence
Been standing here for days, and days.
In the sudden light of day,
The weight of expectation,
Hurt begins to fade
As you find a new direction.
Been talking here for days and days and days.
Nothing to say at all.
Nothing to say that matters.
Doesn't matter any more.
When the tears fall away,
And there's no conversation,
There's nothing left to break
That's not already broken.
You're staring into space
And every inch of silence
Been standing here for days, and days.
In the sudden light of day,
The weight of expectation,
Hurt begins to fade
As you find a new direction.
Been talking here for days and days and days.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
It's time I pullover and start walking from now on.
Came back from Genting on Friday.
Priceless.
Anyways, I won't be coming online as regularly as I used to.
It's time to cut down on the unnecessary things I spend my time on and cut down on my internet life.
I've been living in the virtual world almost everyday since a long time ago.
I do everything here.
My few years of social life and past time were all wasted here.
Time to let go of the addiction to the internet.. this addiction to the pc.
My past semester wasn't that good either.
Overconfidence I'd say.
So it's time to let go of some things.
To lose them now.
Some things..
Priceless.
Anyways, I won't be coming online as regularly as I used to.
It's time to cut down on the unnecessary things I spend my time on and cut down on my internet life.
I've been living in the virtual world almost everyday since a long time ago.
I do everything here.
My few years of social life and past time were all wasted here.
Time to let go of the addiction to the internet.. this addiction to the pc.
My past semester wasn't that good either.
Overconfidence I'd say.
So it's time to let go of some things.
To lose them now.
Some things..
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