Wished you were around.

3 days off to clear my messed up mind.

Songs currently playing over and over:

Hello- Glee Cast
Don't forget- Demi Lovato
I'm Listening- James Newton Howard
Little House- Amanda Seyfried
If a song could get me you- Marit Larsen
Trust You- Yuna Ito
Would you be there- Redwan Ali
You and I, Unfulfilled Feelings- Gundam Seed Destiny
Lose You- Pete Yorn
Talk to me- DNR

Don't forget.

You were never around.. will you ever be?

Sleeping pattern and appetite inconsistencies..

I just got to know, we might be shifting next year. Not sure to where, just somewhere. However it won't really affect my plans. All I want to do is get a scholarship overseas and leave. Coming back? I don't know.
Trees that are rooted deep into the ground don't get swept away by the wind, only forced to bend with the force of the wind.
I'm not rooted. I don't see a reason why I should be.
If you think I have one, tell me. Don't just tell me, prove it to me.
I'll be gone when the wind blows.

I don't think I have anything meant to be posted here anymore.
We'll see if I'm planning to update anymore for this month.
Bye.

I'm standing on the brink, just anytime now..

You were always hard to hold,
So letting go ain't easy,
I'm hanging on but growing cold,
While my mind is leaving.
Talk is cheap,
Give me a word you can keep,
Cause I'm halfway gone.

Sometimes we get bombarded with disappointments, we let it all go without holding back any grudge whatsoever.
However, over time, we become nonchalant to disappointments, so much so that we do not expect anything anymore.
That's what I'm becoming, not what I want to be.

And I'm still wondering where are you now. where did you go.

But it might be all just up in my head. Too much thinking =)

If you're there, give me a sign.

Friday:
I woke up.
Went to college to 'study' Malaysian studies.
Failed to do so, then went off to pick up Eviliza.
Whole day ended up walking here and there.
Went for Bible class after dinner, then off to Tracie's place.
We were supposed to give KangSiang a birthday surprise, but he somehow saw it coming. D:
Chua was traumatised by Tracie's dog, a Shih Tzu, which almost bit him and was madly barking away. aww.. hahahaha.
Came home at midnight, read a slide or two for Malaysian Studies and ended up chatting till I fell asleep.

Saturday:
Overslept, and was almost late for the Malaysia studies exam.
All I needed to do for this test is answer 2 right questions or score 2% to pass my overall marks for Malaysian studies. :D
Exam was scheduled 8-11, most of us came out at 9.
Went makan-ing, then to Pyramid for bowling and.. walking around.
The walking stopped when our legs were snapping in two already.
Was stuck at the KTM station for almost 1.5 hours.
Arrived back for dinner then went off again to mamak with the usual gang. =P

The thoughts are many,
but the mind is sleepy.

Every once in a while, a thought of great loss comes into my mind.
I fear these losses.
Losses not of material things, but of people.
Picture yourself suddenly losing the people around you... one by one.
Not that I've lost anyone in particular lately.. but this thought just hits me every once in a while.
Ever since a few years ago.

This fear nobody knows,
that both ways it goes.
The fear of losing people,
and you lost by them people.

Day of wetness and thirst.

Wednesday.
Yesterday I spent my whole day watching 3 movies, that are: Old Dogs, Dear John and Good Will Hunting.
Haven't been doing anything productive lately.
Read anything? yes, and I fell asleep immediately.
I was watching the TV yesterday midnight and reading the papers.
Before I knew it, I woke up to see that it was 2.40a.m already.
This flu just makes me feel extremely exhausted.


Thursday.
I woke up this morning, to find that my condition hasn't improved.
Been trying to 'sweat' it out as they say..
So I went to the extreme of wearing extra long pants with 3 layers on top.
Watched Red Cliff 1 and 2 under a thick blanket and with some warm water.
Oh well..

Failures so far for my holidays: failing to study Malaysian Studies final paper, repairing my bike, and recovering from my flu.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People often wonder and mock me why I love the rain so much but be afraid of thunder and lightning at the same time.
Here's what I've got to say...

First thing, I'm only afraid of thunders, not the growling ones, but the ones that go cracking really loudly. But to really explain that, I'm afraid of really loud sounds, the sharper they are, the scarier. I'm not afraid of lightnings at all, it's the lightnings that bring about the thunder. Don't get me wrong.

Next, it's not the rain that I love, it's the weather where there's rain, heavy or just a drizzle, with strong winds, but no sunshine. Yes, it is gloomy, but there must be the wind blowing.

To me, the rain is just like my bowl of mushroom soup.
The soup must taste good- it must be raining with no sunshine.
The soup must be hot- the wind has to be blowing.
The soup must have no spring onion, but if it does have spring onions, they must not give out smell- I'd prefer the rain to have no lightning and thunder, but if there's lightning, there must be minimal thunder sounds.

If you didn't get the mushroom soup part, forget it. Don't ask me why I enjoy the gloomy weather, it just makes me feel good. :D
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tomorrow I'm off to college.
For half a day.
Then back.
I have to study for a test, an exam, and prepare for some things i'm responsible for.
I probably would be worn out by saturday.

Without an obvious appearance,
you break the silence.
You, without the others, stand alone there.
Don't they all care?

My blog titles have meanings.
No, they're not random.
Go figure.

Sometimes I wonder if you ever came around,
not just pass by.

Two-faced Tuesday

Tuesday.
I woke up close to 7, not bad after having slept close to 3a.m yesterday.
My nose was as blocked as ever.

I got to college, returned my overdue books, and got myself more books.
The college library staff are starting to love me, 'cause I always return my books late, and they get a little more extra income.
I was waiting for the bus at 10.10.
There was this bus, first time I was seeing it waiting in front of Metro's gates. I went there, the driver was in it, but the doors were shut.
After a while, he went off.
It was the bus meant for inti students and that a**hole didn't let anybody board the bus, and went off.
I ended up walking. I stank after that.

Took a nap in the afternoon, woke up in a much worse condition than before.
Somehow I seriously think I'm down with denggue, but it's taking me down slowly.
maybe.. =P
Been feeling sick ever since I woke up.
I played CS like for half an hour, which resulted in a bad headache.

Today hasn't been really productive, plus I've been having appetite problems.
Something seems to be affecting my appetite.
i can even skip my entire lunch without bothering.
Lol, let's hope it's nothing serious.

I've noticed you for more than a day,
Why did you show up and why do you stay?
Tell me something if you need to but do not lie,
Or all we ever say is goodbye.

Monday's Russian blues.

Today has been partially productive day.
Tomorrow has got to be a more productive one.

I've got runny nose now, and I'm coming down with sore throat.
I think I might be down with H1N1, denggue fever, SARS or H5N1.
My right leg still doesn't feel good, plus I just strained my right shoulder again.

I'm supposed to be asleep now, but surprisingly I don't feel tired though it may be 1.45 a.m.
Going to college tomorrow morning, mainly because of the stupid library books.
Hopefully I can get my bike repaired, then wednesday I can take it for a spin for old time's sake.

I was hoping it'd rain.
But it didn't.
The strong winds just gave me false hope.
I wish I could take a walk under the cold or wet weather.
Or just lie down and stare straight into the sky for hours.

That's all for Monday.
Bye.

Hello

I've been wondering where you are,
I've been wondering if you care.
I've been wondering if you're still someone I knew,
or after all, if you're still you.
Talk is cheap,
Give me a word you can keep.
Cause I'm halfway gone.
Everything is tiring me,
my mind so weary.
I'm too tired.
Maybe even for you.
I thought you could be there to hear me out,
but you couldn't as I was screaming out loud.

I've cleaned up quite alot today.
Tomorrow I may have to start on what I've been promising myself.

There are things that maybe I should stop blogging about, all the nonsense.
Maybe I should stop blogging with a mind that is asleep.

You're making me feel like you're only just a dream I had

Yes, finally I'm updating.
No, the previous posts (done by that "isabella" *shivers*) do not count 'cause I didn't post them.
Lol. Anyways, Backtracking..

Last week I was studying like nuts for my semester exams.
Sunday Alvin came and stayed over for YES on monday.
I was supposed to be there, but exams.. ARGH.
Economics paper.. no hope.
I went there later on in the evening till night.
Tried to study chem, failed due to exhaustion.

Tuesday had chem paper, gone. I just dug my own grave.
Met up with Eliza and Isaac who came all the way from Singapore.
Fed them bah kut teh then we went for YES.
I still had to go back. This year I wasn't allowed to stayover with the rest.
Sien man.

Wednesday maths paper.. DIDN'T FINISH AAAAAAAAAAAH.
So close..
Thursday Physics paper. I just nailed myself in own coffin.
Friday Stats paper. PHEW! first time I've completed the paper with quite alot of confidence and extra time.

Conclusion: the more time I spend on studying, that subject shall have no hope.
I only started studying stats at 2.30a.m while watching 'The blind side'.
Finished studying at 2.35a.m.

Friday, after our paper, we all headed off for pool. :D
After an hour of pool, we went to KTV.
Screamed our heads off and cried our heart out. LOL.

Isaac and Eliza were supposed to go back on Friday morning.. but I guess they missed us, so they extended their stay by one day. :D
We watched a bunch of movies.
And.. somehow time passed us by la. LOL.

I don't know what else to update anyways.
Unfortunately, we didn't have any pictures..
so.. too bad!

I went futsal today afternoon.
Still trying to unstiffen my legs.
After so many years, I think I'm not progressing much lately.
I had a hard collision on my shin which later on swelled up so badly.
Another on the same leg.
My right leg is practically retarded now.
My eyebags are just dark. really.
And I'm extremely exhausted.

I can be here,
I can sacrifice what I still can.
I can do what I can,
I can reach out as far as I can.
But it's only for now,
That is if you're still there.
If you're not there, if you're not you,
I don't have a reason to wait and stay.

Why am I saying these things?
What am I expecting?
I don't know.
Maybe it's too much, my expectations.
What do I want?
What do I need?

I.
don't.
know.

friends.

This will be the last post Isabella will sneakily write on bryant's blog
xDD

what bryant 'sang' *cough-cough* to me was true
hahaha.

bryce :

Hold up... hold on... don't be scared
You'll never change what's been and gone
May your smile... Shine on... Don't be scared
Your destiny may keep you warm.

Cos all of the stars are fading away
Just try not to worry you'll see them some day
Take what you need and be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up... Come on... why you scared
You'll never change what been and gone

me: *ear bleeds*

xD


rather than regret it
i'll just forget it all.
memories, beautiful they might be
will continue to hurt and haunt me
because
no matter how much you tell yourself
you've finally let go
accepted things
inside
it really isnt the case.
sometimes, painful memories can hurt real bad
they need to be removed.

cuz i've lost you.
things arn't the same anymore
we arn't the same like we used to be.
time to go.
i don't know when you're lying or not anymore.
thanks bryant for everything. =D
i still want an electric fly-killing racket! :P

what hurts the most...
was being so close.

wahliew ay bryant,
why all the emo songs you play all so suitable one.
HAHAHAHA
cya everyone! =)

xoxo; eliza.
--------------------------------------------------

I don’t need a better thing,
I’d settle for less,
It’s another thing for me,
I just have to wander through this world
alone.

update!!

currently, bryant is trying to unsuccessfully study for his physics exam tmr xDD

and his friend here, Isabella is sho sho bored.

she doesn't know what to do.

until she found an electric racket that can be used to kill flies.

they don't sell that in singapore wei.

so useful, i used it to kill 4 mosquitoes that were sucking on my thighs alrd

bryant lee, i want an electric insect-killing racket!!

buy for me! :P

xmas present?? <=) *hinthint!*

byee!

-------------------------------------------

i love this place,
but its haunted without you.
my tired heart
is beating so slowly.
in this little house,
the fire burns so brightly.
the fire's here to stay.

I don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.

I remember the times we spent together
All those drives, we had a million questions
All about our lives
And when we got to New York everything felt right
I wish you were here with me,
Tonight

I remember the days we spent together,
were not enough, it used to feel like dreaming
Except we always woke up,
Never thought not having you here now
Would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I remember the time you told me
About when you were eight
And all those things you said that night
That just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
And the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
And stayed out way too late

I remember the time you sat and told me
About your Jesus, and how not to look back
Even if no one believes us
When it hurts so bad, sometimes
Not having you here

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

--------------------------------------------------------------

If God puts a cup of water within your hand,
then just a cup of water is all that he demands.
even if it hurts so bad right now,
His intentions are always right.
The only consolation is that its not a crime to cry.
If this is what he wants to happen,
if this is how im supposed to get stronger,
if this is how im supposed to learn,
then so be it.

its make or break.

written by
-Bryant's awesome friend, Isabella xD

There comes a time where we feel the people around us are disappearing.
They cease to exist, not literally but it fees so.
Maybe it's just otherwise, that we somehow cease to exist in the eyes of others.
A day, two days.. a week, a month, a year.. a lifetime?
Oh well, it's just a phase in life.

If you think you've got something,
don't take it for granted thinking it will never go away, that you can never lose it.
It still can, it will if it has to,
and once it's gone it won't come back.


I keep thinking of you, you're on my mind.
For the fifty seven thousandth time this morning.
I keep seeing you in sheets of white.
I can't change anything.
Anything.

This distance. who made it?
Don't bother.

Ever felt like you wanted to say something so much?
Yeah, but you end up not being able to say it.
There was no chance. But in your mind you think to yourself "Perhaps tomorrow..".
Tomorrow comes, more things come up your mind and you wanted to say them, plus what was unsaid from yesterday.
And again, you didn't have the chance to say what you wanted to say yesterday and the day before.

"maybe tomorrow.."

The next day comes, and there's so much on your mind now, you needed to spill them out.
Then again, no chance to say it.
Finally when you're given the chance to say and spill it all out, but you didn't. Instead you feel empty.
And you think quietly in your mind
"why? there was so much to say, but nothing was said?"

Sometimes, when we have so much to say, but once the urge is lost, time goes on and all is forgotten.
What could've been just didn't happen.
And what would've been just wasn't.

An aeroplane has a set destination, you don't alter it's destination point.

This was not my plan,
this was not what I want.
Now what's left is just abit of what was just abit,
just like how you're left with a few granules of sand compared to the handful you previously had.

Whatever that isn't allowed now,
can be allowed later on.
But what's the point of allowance later on,
when we know that in future we will never have the opportunity despite having allowance?

Some things happen only once.
When we miss the chance of experiencing something,
we still have the chance in future.
The similar one.
But no 2 experiences are the same.
They can be similar, but exactly same, never.

I aim for that experience,
I've targetted that very one.
If I fail to obtain it,
Similar experiences in future would just haunt me of my past failure.

From afar we hoped, we dreamt. But when the day comes, it comes and goes just like any other.

Exams are next monday.
I'm done reading 3.5 chapters of econs, leaving 2.5 more to go, which is roughly 130 pages left unread.
I'm done with 1.5 topics for chem, leaving me with 6.5 topics left to cover.
I haven't started physics, nor have I touched maths&stats.
Screw M&S.

YES is on Monday, I'll have to miss the first few hours of it, but will be back for it around 4 in the evening.
Same goes with Tuesday, but I'll be back earlier this time, that is around lunch time.
Still uncertain if I should stay up as we usually do on the last night 'cause there's maths paper the next morning.

Friday night, not sure if anything is up.
Saturday, not sure either if there's anything.
Next week, is my real time to start studying. (which is unfortunately the first week of my holidays).
30th june-2nd july would be our class trip to Genting. Still uncertain if I am really going or not.
2nd July intake's orientation day, not sure if I'd want to help out.
7th is prom, err.. reluctant to go but i guess I don't have a choice.

There's no fun and any expectations met for this one month until my new semester begins.
Oh well..

The first hurdle can never tell you the final result.

Time passes by so fast.
Too fast, everything that troubled me is now forgotten.
No, it's not a good thing.
To forget unsolved troubles and problems can be said to be running away from them instead of facing them and solving them.
Time makes this an unintended action, an action which could lead to more complicated and more intricated matters in time to come.
For me it happens all the time.

There are things when given away, can never be taken back.
Things like these include words said, impressions and actions.
There's no undo button in life.
Once done, they can never be undone.
No matter how hard we try, never.

My exams are next week, sometimes I wonder if I'm satisfying my needs, my wants or my emotions.
You can't really tell if you're using purely on logic thinking instead of emotions to make decisions.
You can't really tell if what you want is what you need.
And when you don't get what you want, is it a lie to say "I'm fine with it", when you actually don't know how you're feeling about it?
Do you know your true emotions or are you just lying to yourself unknowingly about how you feel?

Food for thought.

Falling asleep and waking up with everything too silent,
It gives the feeling that this world has only one inhabitant.

The heavy lids that don't wish to fall asleep.

It's a quarter after one,
I'm all alone and I need you now..