Convincing or lying?

It's been more than 3 years, the only issue the still remains in my head is trust.
I easily trust people for minor matters.
But regarding my deep thoughts and emotions, there's no one to trust.
This is because there's no one proven to be at all honest or even trustworthy.
Even if there is someone honest or trustworthy, they just fail to understand the issue and end up lying by saying they do understand the whole matter.
____________________________________

I wish you knew,
I wish I knew,
but always too late
this words are never said.
If this continues,
I can be nothing but confused.

I tried, am still trying.
But there still seems to be somethings hidden.
I don't know. I doubt easily.
To me, the greatest disappointment is to find out that somethings have been lies all along.
Trust exists, but is the trusted a deceiver?

Dreams forgotten, but they sure were sweet ones.

I don't really know what I've actually been doing lately, but somehow I seem to have a tight schedule.
Oh well.

Last Friday went mamak with the buddies.
It was kind of a last minute plan, but most of us showed up though.
Mamak meet ups used to be organised by Danny, where as futsal used to be organised by me.
Now it seems Chua has been handed the responsibility of organising both mamak meetings and futsal. LOL.

Saturday we had our YCF/YQD.
Food quantity was alot, variety wasnt much, BUT quality was awesome! (only applies to the choc fudge, mashed potatoes and Caesar's salad) LOL.
We did something we never did before after dinner, we played our favourite YDP games.
Forfeight for the games? Eat up the overleft chocolate fudges and orange juice!

Sunday wasn't much, but I cut and trimmed my dogs hair, trying to rid of her tick problems.
I gave her an awesome haircut, now she looks like she's a veteran dog that has been fighting many dogs for years now. HAHAHAHA.
I'm such an evil owner X)

Today I screwed up my stats quiz paper.
I have NEVER EVER EVER forgotten formulas (besides trigo formulas).
This is my first time screwing up a math related assignment/quiz/test paper.
GAAAAAH!
there goes 3/10 marks for the quiz, 1.5 marks gone for my overall stats marks.
I will never ever forget the formulas ever again.

Back then for a moment, I knew what was going on.
Moments later and I'm confused with what's going on,
unsure if it's just me imagining too much.
Now I see what I've been trying to convince myself that was true.
But somehow from the very begining, I never expected it'd end up like this.

Just let these sands fall a little more,
and we'll come to that crossroad.

The questions and thoughts pop up in our minds and fade away within seconds.
And we often wonder to ourselves, what's going on?

I'd fancy a walk in the rain, but something's missing. The wind.

I don't know.

I can't tell if I'm asking for what I seek

Seriously I don't know what's everything turning into.
Time is running up so quickly.
What have I been doing all these time?
I hope it all hasn't gone to waste.

There are certain people you just keep coming back to; She's right in front of you.

It's the 2nd day I'm in class MAS1.
There are like.. at least 40 students in the class.
ALOT. really.
That's not even half our number for both January intake classes combined together.
So far I've been to every class except for the lab sessions, Malaysian studies and Thinking skills.
Man, I really feel sad leaving my malaysian studies marks all behind.
Along with my assignment for thinking skills!
But yeah, sacrifced so much for econs.
I must own in this subject man.. Eliza Li you watch out, I'll pawn you in this subject nicely. X)

Not even 2 days and I have tests, quizzes, assignments all due next friday.
I feel so welcomed.
My schedules are going to be reaaally tight now.
Everyday waking up at 6, college starts at 8, all the way until 4,5, or 6 in the evening.
Sometimes with no lunch break like today! D:

I missed 3 dodgeball practice sessions already.
Not a good thing at all.. LOL.
I can't go paintball this sunday either! D:
GAAAAH! I've been dying to play paintball, but I'm currently broke. There's no helping it..
Futsal! my legs are itching for it again.. though I'm still injured. lol.

I don't know what to post about.
Dead tired. D:

. . . .

And I don't want to wait
I just want to know
I just want to hear you tell me so
Give it to me straight
Tell it to me slow

Cause maybe someday
We'll figure all this out
We'll put an end to all our doubt
Try to find a way to just feel better now and
Maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud
We'll be better off somehow
Someday

. . .

BYE!

Deception comes from trust.

Blank blank blank.

Up, down, up, down. This is no cardiograph.

It's not nice having to wake up and encounter your fear for a period of time.
I woke up halfway through my sleep to the sound of extremely loud thunders.
Yes, I am afraid of the thunder.
Once I'm awake, I can only wait for the storm to reside, when you can only hear the grumbling thunder instead of the loud, cracking ones.

I enjoy the strong winds and rain, regardless heavy or light.
But it all goes awry when there's thunder and lightning.
Just spoils the fun.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sometimes it's just not easy to believe what you're hearing,
We often cannot believe what we hear because it's something we least expect or something we have been hoping so much for, with no intermediates or partiality.
In other words, being in a denial state.

I just don't get it sometimes.

Random brain spill.

This isn't something that accepts partiality.
Only absolute, no half-half.
Probablities are of no use because there are only two answers to sum it all up,
both holding the same chances, i.e: 50-50.

It's like a completely balanced scale,
awaiting the load to be mounted on either sides.
Left, or right?
If the left is heavier, it will be heavier.
Even if it's abit or just a teeny bit heavier, it's still heavier.
There's no partiality.
None at all.

If you get what I mean.

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming of angels on the moon

I'm still wondering if I'm awake..
It feels like I've been here before a few times.
Is this a good thing?
It's quite an uneasy feeling..
Maybe it's not what I ought to be involved in.

If this is it, so be it. Just face the fact.

Today has been SUUPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG....
Really.

My leg isn't any better.
Same goes to my shoulder.

I'm think I'm going to fall asleep in CBS class later, AGAIN.
There's no class I've attended in my life which I've never fallen asleep in.
How disgraceful. D:

BYE!

If I can't see the Sun, maybe I should go.

The moment I opened my eyes at 4.15a.m, I knew I could no longer fall asleep.
I just can't.
Not like this..

Maybe it's just that we're on different frequencies.

Reversed expectations and predictions.
Self-made hypothesis, hypothesis assumed reliable ideas and conclusion.

What am I doing?

And once again I'm thinking about taking the easy way out.

There's only one thing that I've accomplished for today.
I've accomplished tomorrow.
It's the last day of the A-levels Jan intake's semester holidays tomorrow, but it has been decided I won't waste anymore time lingering around at home doing nothing.

It's obvious enough for me to notice,
It's not obvious enough for me to understand.
I'm too shy to ask,
I'm too proud to lose.

_____________________________

Updating...
Just got back from college.
Seems like for the past 2 months since my first haircut this year, everyone has been constantly commenting on it.
Today especially. The worst of all was this...

Nicola: Eh! bad hair cut. so uglyyyy
Me: D: *covers head and minds own business*

Hope it grows faster. It hasn't been standing for a month plus already.
I need the height! LOL

I succeeded in my scholarship transfer.
100% of my 15k completely transfered over. awesome.
Oh, and I met Max today, who really resembles Isaac somehow.
LOOOL.

Going to stone around now.
Bye!

P.s: Me.

Process of two possibilities; One that fails or one that succeeds the others

This leg is killing me.
I might have to say goodbye to 2 futsal sessions this weeked.


We often speak our minds,
we sometimes try to say what we are thinking,
but I.. I'm trying to figure out what my mind is thinking.
Honestly, it's not that I don't know.
I'm not sure.

Confusing.
Answers might be very close, but somehow there's a vast difference.
So similar yet so different I'd say.
They just tend to create confusion.
There's no telling them apart for now.

I wish I could think straight, with a clear mind.
I wish I could find out soon enough.
I wished you knew.

If you're leaving, will you take me with you?

I've found a key upon the floor,
Maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find behind the door.

I hate to say this, but I miss maths.
I wish there were something more interesting in maths that we'll be learning soon.
like learning how to make assertions and prove mathematical theories.
The only thing that brings me down in maths is the mistakes I make.
Or in other words, I'm extremely careless.
If you ask me why I got a B+ for EST, it's the very same reason.
Careless.
Stupid mistake. darn..

I hope something interesting pops up in college for our maths syllabus.
If nothing does, I'm really going to just sleep my way through..
The only explanation is too much thinking.

___________________________________________

I really need something to keep me going.
I need.. my rush of adrenaline.
I need..
paintballfutsalrockclimbingrollercoasterridescyclingbowling
gettingchasedbycrazymotorcyclistsandanythingthatmakesmepanic!

This week of holidays is really killing me inside.
Something needs to be done seriously..
before I end up wasting my entire holidays stoning.
D:

I wonder.

To get this straight and clear isn't easy.
Let's not be hasty.
Think..

This isn't right.

All I'm doing could just be confusing myself.

My wishes all over the airspace

It's rather unexpected, or odd to say this, but I've been watching animes.
LOL.
Not just recently, in fact I started a month or 2 before SPM trials began.

I started off with Bleach.
It's kind of draggy sometimes but I still find it interesting somehow.
Yeah, some people may think "gosh, so old still watch cartoons."
I think it's way better than watching stereotyped soap dramas that make all the girls cry and drool over the good looking guys.

Having their episodes shown at such a slow rate, I got tired of waiting and ventured of to

Gundams :D

I used to learn and play many anime songs on the organ, not knowing that most of them were from Gundam cartoons.
I started watching versions after versions of Gundam cartoons.
I guess I'm already addicted. heh.

To me, this is the difference between any drama series and the animes I watch..
Lessons learnt from:

Anime- unity, democracy, the effects of an establishment of utopian societies, the cause and effects of war to civilians, etc etc.

Drama series- dont backstab, dont sleep with other people's gf/bf. = ="


I'd rather watch animes than drama series. I don't mind glee, but shows like gossip girl? nah. Not worth my time watching.

Dunno why I'm posting this anyway. LOL.

btw, I love T.M Revolution-Invoke's chord proggressions and transfigurations. it's a wonder.. :O
I have to say they're good at song compositions. :D

Not only their songs, but some other songs in other animes too.
Go watch and find out yourself.
hahaha.
BYE!

It's not what I'm looking for, but why do I want it?

This can't be it, I just started.
Tell me what I'm thinking as I don't know what runs through my mind.
If you give me what I need, you could be what I was seeking.
I wish you did, though I know you wouldn't.

Shall we liquefy?

It's been a long week.
Yeah, emo-ness.
It was a really hard decision and bad feeling to switch over to the March intake, but for the sake of taking a 4th subject, (econs, that is) I have to let it all go.

I couldnt believe my eyes when we fooled around for Malaysian studies presentation and the entire team got 9/10.
Must be the gay attire we had. LOL.
but I was the only one who didn't get 9/10.

I got..


9.5/10!
YEAAAH!

Even soon yiew didnt get that high. HAH!
I somehow find him rather arrogant.
Anywaaaay..

Went futsal yesterday with the usual buddies but with more people.
I played like shiet. (maybe I always did play like shiet, daryl and erny would agree. LOL)
Must be the bangs which kept poking my eyes and trapping the darn heat on my head.
Withint half an hour, it looked like I just took a shower.

Today I went futsal again, same thing.
But hey! I had a haircut right after futsal.
Don't try to find out how I look.
I'll be hiding at home for the next one week or so. LOL.

Somehow I feel something is new around, but I cant seem to figure out what it is.
Anywaaaay,
check this song out.
It really got me addicted to it.
I don't know about you though..

BYE!

It's not easy to leave a class even when you've only been in it for 3 months.
Especially when people find the schedule very relaxing,
and especially when I've done so much to pass Malaysian Studies.
I won't be joining you guys tomorrow for the final exam.
There goes my effort on my 9.5/10 marks presentation.
I'll be starting from scratch now.
Everything.

To those that still don't know, I'm changing my course, my intake, my classmates, my friends, my lecturers, my future.

bye.

Am I starting to learn or am I just getting fooled by myself?

Nothing? Look again, there's something.

By the time I post this up, it'll probably be kind of late already.
But I still want to post this up anyways.

Just like any other year, I don't expect anything from anyone on my birthday except wishes.
It was all I needed.
Unlike other people, a birthday feels almost just like any other day in my life.

There were times where I don't even care if people remember my birthday, and even times where I made myself think I had no friends.
Not the common friends you have that you know but don't really give a lizard's crap about you, but the ones that are just true.


I thought this year was going to be just like any other.
But I was wrong.

I won't go into details about what happened.
But I'd just like to do this..

Thank you.

(note: all are in sequence of events, not according to priority to anybody)

First of all, to those coursemates of mine from college.
Thank you all for your wishes.
And thank you Wendy and Jocelyn (if I'm not mistaken) for going all out to make sure I had something for me to have candles to blow out.
You guys went from bakeries that had no cake, to pizza hut that had no pizza, and ended up buying more than a dozen cupcakes.
Honestly, I was shocked when the lights went out and the cupcakes came in.
I thank you all. =)
Apologies for allowing the cake to melt on the way home.
I ended up eating a melted cake, but it sure was splendid. (:

Secondly, would be to Chang Szu Mei, a.k.a Susu. XD
Thank you for your cake.
Honestly I didnt expect you to buy me a cake, even though it was just a slice.
aww.. how sweet of you. hahaha.
But I apologize for leaving the cake in your car.
I thought initially it wasn't for me. SORRY. D:
But thank you again for getting me another one.
I didn't forget to bring it back this time. =D

Next, would be my buddies. :D
Hmm.. for Daryl who met up with me for lunch, and then ditched me at Teluk Pulai station to "go football with friends at bukit badak".
When I arrived back home, I was walking to my room suddenly BAM! a group of crazy people covered me with a blanket and pushed me all the way to my room and taopok-ed me.
I got up and saw no one there, except a laptop with Timotheus on skype. LOL
Then I found out, my buddies were at my place.
Alvin, all the way from Malacca, Cedric, Daryl, ErnShern, Jae Wen, and Justin.
I was in shock for a while.
Turns out daryl took me out for lunch just to stall some time for everyone to come over.
They had it all planned out to surprise me for a long time already with the help of my handsome sister. XD
I really thank you guys for coming over, and then us going for lunch at Fruity.
Then eating creamhorn! (in your face Timo!) hahahaha.

Having a feast of creamhorns.

I'd also like to thank my school buddies. :)
For planning out a steamboat dinner just for me.
And for the wonderful cake too. ( which didn't melt, got left behind, or get distorted by my sister)
A big thank you especially to KangSiang and Danny for planning the surprise ever since a month ago.
This is something I rarely get in the 18 years of my life.
I thank you guys. really alot. (:

Also not forgetting my parents. (:
Thank you for everything.
Apologies for being such a pain in the ass all the time.

Last but not least, every single one of you guys that wished me, late or early, I thank you all. (:
Wishes, presents, even just your presence. I am indeed thankful for everything given to me.

They always say that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
But I think most of the time, you don't know what you've got till they're shoved right in front of your face.

Cedric is one mean brother. LOL.

My handsome sister and I.

I spent my time with people I enjoy being around with.
No matter how many friends you have, a million or two, it's only the true ones that counts.
Plus, it rained on my birthday. It cheered me up.
Yeah, I love the windy and chilly weather.

Thank you all for all that you've done for me.
Thank you. =)
And Happy 18th Birthday, self.