You don't find me anywhere

Doing something you've always loved to do
At the same time, fearing what you've always feared.
It's different now.
Things change.
Times change.
And trust me, some people change too.

If they fit back, it'll be unlike before.

Obvious, but it's okay if you don't know it yourself.
As long as I already know.
It's just the feeling of being unsure after being so sure.

White in pitch black.

Space so big you could let the whole world pass through.
Time so short, but feels so long.
Words spoken but for another meaning.
Things done to get things undone.
decision made to contradict itself.
A post with rows of words, but literally containing no meaning at all.
Empty words of an empty mind of an empty brain of an empty soul of an empty world.

Bended or broken?

There was always the right decisions.
The decisions that I can take freely.
The ones I can take unconditionally.
I always had that choice.
Unlike everybody else,
I turn them down.
All the time.
I chose this harder path.
There's no explanation.
I'm not everyone.
I'm me.
I'm someone.
someone, not in the crowd on the clear path.
but someone alone on another route.
Where it leads to, who knows?
But I chose this path.
Someday we'll eventually find out why.
Find out why logic has failed to explain me.

No, I don't like me.

I found those lines in a way familiar.
'Cause it was your situation that seemed that way.
Not mine.
Did you not know?

When you leave, we just know that you'll be back, again.

I can now see the sun rising across the horizon
Rising up as its rays burst through the thick clouds from yesterday's storm.
The morning breeze brought the feeling of comfort back.
Maybe the feeling was just there.
Just unnoticed.

And When We Go, Don't Blame Us

To the person whom the song says about us all dying, we're meant for the flies:

Weak.
you fail to make yourself look pathetic.
Stop overreacting and get over it all.
your knowledge about what we should know is so shallow.
Are you that stubborn?
Move on with life not dig up all the healing wounds.
Are you going for a courtcase that you're going to win or are you trying to fix it all?
Open your eyes.
You're not on the right side either.
Look at yourself and stop commenting on others.
I hate having to get angry, but it's too late to stop that.
I hope you read this soon enough, 'cause I've really had enough.

Waiting for the Rainbow

I've started so many things and screwed them up halfway.
The things that happen, they happened because I made wrong decisions.
I wish I could fix it all, because I'm tired.
Each day I wake up and the weight of my guilt and regret doubles.
If only..
These two words are usually mentioned when something you did went wrong and you've thought over your mistake, telling yourself that it could've been much better like this, or like that.
I repeat this words everyday.
Would there be and end to it?


The storm seems like it has ended.
has it?
I want it to end.

Hate Me

I didn't know.
I should've known.
But I didn't try to find out.
True character and personalities of a person are shown when a situation gets critical.
I ran away.
I ignored.
I tore us apart.
I was nothing but selfish.
I said this at the beginning of this year, but it should've been for this time.
I just wanted you to know who I really am.
Now that we've both found out who I really am, we both know I was never good enough in the first place.
I'm sorry.
I think apologizing for this matter is pointless now.
But I'm really sorry. Truly sorry.
Go be the better person you are capable of being without me.
I'm just your bad memory.
If you'd want to, you could erase it all too.
If you think that's best for you.
As for me, I won't forget it all.
Good or bad, I won't forget.
Never.

Time Inside Out.

2 years ago.
It all seemed fine. It was really fine.
It was the best start of the new year.
You left. I moved on. I tried to. Struggled each day, hoping all the time that I might eventually get over you;
Months went on, I injured my wrist.
That marked the end of any wrist related sports for me;
Time passed, I sprained my cervical vertebrae somehow;
The end of the year came, you left us, Ben;
Last year, you left.
This home became so silent, it was like entering an empty house.
You changed. Everything changed;
I knew I was capable enough, but I lost the 2 post I tried so hard to get.
I worked so hard since the start of probation, since my very first interview;
I lived a year of confusion, thinking that everything was perfectly fine.
I was blinded by my own ignorance;
you came along. We spent all the time we could together.
But I tore us apart. Confused.
I still wished you'd still talk to me;
Time was sacrificed just hoping that I'd be able to lead this two clubs throughout the year.
You ruined it all by abolishing them two.
I was left with nothing;
Everything seemed to get better, until you tore everything apart.
Under this roof, nothing will ever be the same again.
You made this one month I have left into a day;
Two years. two long years.
Seemed like an ascend, until the great fall came.
If you know who you are, I'm glad you know.

Dear Ben,
It's been almost two years now.
We've been through so many things in our lives together.
Sunday school, UPSR, PMR, english writing competitions.
But it had to end there. 'Cause you were called back early.
It's been two very long years.
It seemed like I was alone all the time.
You were the only one in our clique that was the same age as me.
It has been awfully quiet being the only person walking down this path.
SPM is coming up really soon. I don't think I might make it through.
I always wished I didn't have to do things alone.
Even if it were my choice or not, I'd have to do everything alone.
I wish things could change,I pray each day that all these didn't have to go on.
I wished that I wasn't alone. That there was someone who has some things in common with me.
Hope to see you soon.
The wait won't be long.

I love the gloomy weather, with all the strong winds, the cool sensation it brings.
But I don't like it when it starts raining inside instead.
When everything inside turns dark and gloomy.
When there's no sunshine, no warmth, no comfort, no shelter.
I can't see through this weather.
I can't see if there's anymore hope left.
I can't see anything. Anything at all.

Foundation Demolition

I opened my eyes, awoken by a sharp sound. I couldn't tell immediately what that sound was, but I knew through my instincts that it was not something good. I thought if I were still dreaming. Could it be just a part of my nightmare, but there was no doubt, I was wide awake, facing reality.
Over the years, I thought everything would run smoothly despite the ups and downs. But this time, it was otherwise. Walking on the normal path in life, knowing that the path 1 mile ahead of me was straight and safe, I shut my eyes. The next instant, I'm falling into a pit. As I fall, my mind starts to wonder, how deep is this pit? hoping every second that I'll finally crash onto the bottom of the pit, I still continue to fall.
You dug this pit here, it wasn't meant for me but for someone else, yet you went on digging it there. It is an extremely deep pit, but have you ever thought about those innocent lives that fall into that pit unknowingly and falling to their death? All you cared about was for your own good. I hate you.
You're immature. It's okay to protect yourself sometimes, but not to this extent. You're mocking everyone, hurting everyone around somehow.
I wish you could just take a look into the mirror and take a look. See what you've done. See how your childish ways has distorted this chapter of the lives of the people around you. You know so little, and claimed there's no need to know more. Do you see what we see? We know the situation you're in, but your vision is so narrow. You're not sober enough to see. Do you see what I see?
I don't want to hate you. I really don't. Never. But what you're doing is making me hate you. You're forcing me to hate you. Are you aware of that? are your eyes opened enough to peek from under the shell that you've spent your life under?
I could leave it all behind and lead a better life, but I choose not to. I've been taught to stay and stand sober. To stand firm to face whatever comes my way. Are you able to do that? Or are you just going to give in to your old ways and your emotions?

I wished today never existed. This is my first time wishing for something like that. I truly wished today never did exist.