creaking doors and final calls

As years go by, i learn a little more about myself.

The things we learn are riddled with memories and some times regret.

Some doors have been closed well and shut, some have not.

Some of mine creak open, exposing me to the mistakes and regrets of the past.

I was once young and foolish, thinking myself wise.

Weak and mistaken, thinking myself strong and right.

I am truly sorry if i have offended any, or broken hearts too many. 

It doesn't matter if you're Sarah or you're Benny, nor if you were sad or you were merry.

Just want you to know you've made my days back then bright and cheery.

I may have been too numb to feel, to blind to see.

I wish i was a better man, not a terrible and lousy friend.

A friend in need but was not there indeed.

I've broken and disappointed hearts, left you with nothing but to fall apart.

if you read this, just hope you're happy.

As happy as i am in my own new life.

We've all grown up now, a little older and a little wiser.

I hope wherever you are, you've ended up with better.

This is past due but it's owed to you.

I've grown up a little late, missed the chance for the things i should have said.

If this is my last post, i wish this most:

That you know you were special to me, i just was not able to see.

I know i was, at least till the midpoint, but i supposed i did nothing but disappoint.

Everyone's moved on now, each having their own lives.

Perhaps memories of us have long been forgotten.

Maybe for you, but not for me for i have come to see what you mean to me.

Thanks for being my friend and for returning here to see this.

__________________________________________

I wish you well, i wish you the best.

Tomorrow is uncertain, today is a gift.

And before i regret again, thank you all for your acquaintance.

For your friendship.

For your support.

For your kindness to forgive me.

For crossing path with me.

Take care.

Empty nest, for now or for good?

I have been patient. Giving up many things and ambitions in life for the sake of my family.

I chose the cheapest means of getting a job: studying accounting. 

I never saw accounting as my ambition when I was young.

I gave up dentistry, medicine, meteorology, oceanography.

I gave up UK, US, Australia.

I gave up my passion for something I've never studied before.

All because of money.

My parents always quarrelled about money.

From as young as I could remember, it was always money.

Even with my grandparents, it was about money.

Money, money, money.

I could understand from their background that they appreciate money and not take it for granted. 

But bad investment decisions, stinginess, and too much ego to even admit one's own mistake and to learn from it makes their 'principle' one that has no true value.

One can have many principles in life, but to never admit any mistakes, to never listen to opinions with an open mind, to never want to resolve conflicts but run from them will nullify all possible positive effects the 'principles' ought to give.

I was once told that they had an argument with my grandmother because of money. My grandmother was being calculative and was always talking about money. They got fed up their relationship went sour and they just kept quiet and sent in the money every month.

It seems to me it is just the same in my case. My parents are always complaining about money to me. Accusing their children of never appreciating the value of money. When I am the one who has been getting barely RM1 a day for majority of my primary school days, surviving school mostly with an empty stomach. I have been surviving for 5 years since I first began college with an amount of allowance that has barely gotten me enough to eat. Gave up my ambition for cheap education. Didnt demand for an expensive first car. In fact I was asking for a simple secondhand car. Instead I got a cheapskate quality Proton Saga that wasnt even worth the money paid. I never went on holidays like all my friends do or like my siblings. Never went overseas for studies. Yet here I am, being accused for not appreciating the value of money. 

I never could voice out my opinion to my parents on what I think they should do or ask for extra money at times. If I should do that, I would be told off with "next time you earn your own money then you will learn to appreciate money" or "this is our money, we do what we want". Everything in this house is "theirs". to them there is no such thing is one's privacy. the doors should stay unlocked because it's their house and they never understand privacy.

 What's the point of money if you keep investing it wrongly and being stingy when you really need it? What is generosity when you intend to give only when you have more than you want? there is a flaw in that principle. Men will never be contented with what they have. it will always be abit more. just abit more. and never enough.

Almost all my clothes and items I own are given by friends. My parents? they always think that I have more than enough casual clothes. comparing to them constantly. WRONG ANSWER. they dont wear casual clothes to work on a daily basis. I wear them to class every single day. I sweat in them. they barely do. they have more formal clothes than I have casual clothes. they have more casual clothes than I have casual clothes. Yet they claim that I have more than enough.

I gave up many things for my family. Yet my parents think I am a spendthrift. Both my sisters are abroad studying and living there. The nest is almost empty. One day when I am able, I will leave and never return. The last people I want to live under a roof with are my parents. Their immaturity in dealing with problems make them the last person I want my future family to be influenced by. I never want my children to be extremists and egoistic. Just as I am, I want my future family to be open minded to opinions, willing to learn from mistakes, be moderate and patient. Not stingy, not bias or judgemental. Not cowardly in dealing with conflicts. Not lazy to deal with conflicts and avoiding them. Not wrathful.

 

Some people may go to church, but some people never truly change their ways. Humbleness is not existent when one is egoistical and never wanting to learn from mistakes.

If money is what they want, fine. Take my salary and do as they please. At the end of the day, they have become who they did not want to be. I will never be them because I made a sound choice to never repeat their mistake.

They may think that bringing up a family means forcing unto them the skills you want them to have and providing mainly finances, they're wrong. They have neglected the mental upbringing. the character building. the religious upbringing. All they ever did was taught us that money has been provided and we are taking it for granted. All I ever learnt are from what they lacked and what we learn ourselves from the world. If anyone should take credit for what we achieve in life, it would be everything else and only a minor portion from them because all that ever mattered to them was money and they only cared about 'not wasting money'.

I'm done. I'm tired. I'm leaving.

Some times we all just want to give in to that nature inherent in our genes, to be what we hate, because we understand the circumstances to why such characters emerge and we would justify ourselves why we should allow it to takeover.
It's a pit we're stuck in. To give up, one would never be out of that pit to a better place.

Calm before the storm

This blog has lost its shine and has become a gloomy place where I spill out my deepest problems in metaphors and analogies.

I may still have a little emo side to me, as compared to that full fledged emo kid back in high school. But it's about time this blog comes out of darkness. But of course after I'm done with my exams. This is my final hurdle.

Without darkness, we'll not appreciate the light.
Without light, there will be no hope.
Without perseverance, we'll give in to darkness and never see the light again.

I will be back.

Funny, how I'm back here again after all these years.
I just need somewhere to write out everything.

Looking back in the past as of today, I learnt many new things about myself.
I am a person always trying to figure out why things happened, why did things come to this or that.
I'm just like that.

I never knew my past would be what it is, the way I see it as of today.
Not the same as I saw it back then.

Like chess pieces in a game of chess, nobody can tell which was the key chess piece that significant moves were made until the stage of the game has shifted. We thought it was the bishop and the knight that did so much damage to the defence as they were seemingly more significant at first, but it was the undervalued pawns that were freely sacrificed without a second thought which caused the fall in defence. But it's okay now. The game is already over.

The only thing that one can do is to learn from the past and never to repeat it again.